Who am I? It’s a question I often ask myself. Sometimes, the answers are positive, and other times, not so much. I have a story to tell as relates to a recent experience I’ve had that shook my self-confidence and had me questioning an important part of my identity. Thanks to God’s timely message, which reached me through our Pastor’s weekly Facebook post yesterday, this identity crisis is over!
I’ve been working on an original piece for a few weeks now. It is a piece that is really important to me for several reasons, one of them being it is my first attempt at a painting of the scene of Jesus’ crucifixion. I had every intention of finishing this piece before Easter this year and started on it weeks ago to ensure I’d meet that deadline I’d set for myself. This piece will be a mostly monochromatic piece in black and white, with a splash of one color added at the end. The monochromatic layers of the painting seemed to roll out of my brush effortlessly. In fact, I made the comment to several people that it felt as though God was guiding my hand and painting the piece for me. I had never experienced anything like it before. Rarely do I have even one layer of an art piece that emerges so beautifully and so easily. With much self-confidence, I began adding the color splashes over the monochromatic layer, only to get to the end and realize I didn’t like what I was seeing. I REALLY didn't like it.
I decided to let the painting sit for a few days in my studio so I could ponder it and determine what it was about the last layer that I didn’t like. Then I'd come up with a plan to fix it. Each day as I sat in my studio working on other pieces, I’d look at this painting, and each time I did, I became more depressed about how it had gone off the rails. This is the largest piece I’ve ever painted, and I spent too many hours to count on the monochromatic layer. I loved everything about this piece before I started adding the last color layer, and in the matter of just a couple hours, I had destroyed it. In my mind, that’s truly how it felt.
I have struggled with self-confidence issues my entire life, not so much now as when I was a teenager or young adult, but doubts about my abilities still tend to eat at me occasionally. During situations like the one that occurred with the crucifixion painting, I can quickly revert to the little girl who believes she is incapable of doing anything worthwhile. And I did. I began questioning my artistic ability and even considered completely giving up on the painting and my art career. Yes, it was that bad.
It took much longer than it should have for me to realize that the enemy had a plan in play here. He had taken that little seed of doubt that formed and had nourished it until it grew into something much bigger that threatened to destroy my art career, but more importantly, the work I do for Jesus.
You see, it was God’s decision, not my own, that led me to an art career. I wasn’t born with natural artistic talent…didn’t like art as a child. I never had the desire to start my own business. Yet about 10 years ago, the feeling of being pulled along into something I never considered doing or even wanted to do began. There I was, pursuing a career in a field I had no knowledge about or no talent in…and the overwhelming, undeniable desire to do so seemed to develop overnight. It was such a strange feeling, and it was mind boggling to me. I spent several years learning to paint a variety of subjects from landscapes, to seascapes, to wildlife, and then to portraits of people and pets. When the time was right and I had developed the required skills, God let me know that He wanted me to create art that glorified Him. And so, for the past couple years, that's exactly what I've done. I answered His calling.
Now, you understand the reason for the enemy’s recent attack. He doesn’t want me creating art, especially art that glorifies God. So, he finds and uses a vulnerability (lack of self-confidence in this case) to his advantage. He told me I was incapable of creating a beautiful and powerful depiction of the crucifixion of our Lord and Savior. He told me I’m not an artist. He led me to start believing that. He led me to this identity crisis.
So yesterday, when I read Pastor George’s post about his own identity crisis, it hit me and I immediately had a little conversation with the enemy who threatens to destroy anything he can whenever he gets a chance. “Wait a minute, Satan! YOU don’t get to decide my identity. YOU don’t have a say! God, Himself, has decided that I am an artist! So who are YOU to think you can convince me otherwise? I AM an artist, and as long as God calls me to be, I will continue to be. YOU will not stop me from glorifying God in the way that He has called me to.” I'm telling you what...it felt so good to say those words! My mindset changed immediately, and this morning I am filled with a determination to get up to that little studio and finish creating a beautiful painting of the crucifixion of our Lord and Savior. And that's exactly what I'm going to do!
Sure, there will be struggles along the artistic path, and there will be days that paintings don’t go as planned, but with much prayer and God’s guidance, I’ll get through those days. Who am I to question God’s perfect plan? Who am I? I am an artist determined to glorify God in all that I paint. That’s who I am and who I will continue to be!